It was a wet and miserable night on the streets of Brooklyn. An eerie silence fell over most of the borough after the horror and heartbreak of yet another mad man with a gun. All except for two small time gang bangers who are loitering on a street corner, hoping to sell some dope.
“Come on man, let me make the next sale”, Ricki pleads with his best friend Roy. “Okay, you get the next sale, but if it is a fine piece of ass, the sale is mine”, replies Roy with a grin from ear to ear.
After hours on the street with no success, Ricki and Roy decide to go grab a sandwich from the local deli. “Hey Tony, can we get two ‘mighty meaty’ subs, with extra habanero hot sauce please?”, asks Roy. “Sure thing, you boys still loitering around these streets? Doesn’t your mother worry about you?”, asks Tony. “Not really Tony, she knows we’re street wise, and if anyone steps to us, we can handle ourselves”, says Ricki.
The rain decided to stop, so Roy and Ricki found a set of steps outside of an old apartment block, and plant themselves down with their sandwiches. “Do you think things will ever work out for us man?”, Roy questions Ricki. “What d’ya mean man? We’re livin’ the good life here, ain’t no place I’d rather live than New York fuckin’ city!”, declares Ricki, when suddenly a great flash of light shoots from the sky to an alleyway across the street. All that can be heard are the screams from stray cats and trash cans smashing against the ground. “What the fuck man, that ain’t natural, should we go take a look?”, Roy nervously asks. Roy steps off the steps and onto the sidewalk when he hears a strange voice and an accent he can’t quite place, “Aw fur fuck sake, I’ve stood oan a bag ae shite! I fuckin’ hate New York, maukit bastards!” says the stranger in the alleyway. Roy and Ricki haven’t seen anyone yet and are starting to back away out of fear after the strange events that have just taken place.
A short dwarf like man steps out onto the sidewalk and under the street light. Roy and Ricki get a good look at the figure and can’t quite believe what there are seeing. The man is wearing what can only be described as a tartan skirt, he is topless with some braces holding up his skirt, he has an old worn flat cap on his head and has a fat cigar hanging out of his mouth. “Any ae you boys goat a light?”, the dwarf asks. Roy and Ricki are just standing there speechless. “Fuck me, are yous deaf? Any ae ye goat a light fur ma cigar?”, the dwarf says. Roy stutters before Ricki jumps in and says, “yeah man, I have a lighter”, and he passes the dwarf a lighter. “Thanks young man, you’ve just made ma night”.
After a few long awkward minutes of standing and watching this man smoke on his cigar, Roy and Ricki are stuck for what to say, so Ricki plucks up the courage to say, “What are you? And uhh where did you come from?”. The dwarf looks at Ricki, starts to grin and then sniggers, “thank fuck you asked, thought you pair of poofters wur joost gawny stand and stare et me aw night”. Confused looks fall over Roy and Ricki’s faces again, it is evident now that they do not understand a word the dwarf is saying. “Sorry, I keep forgetting you Americans don’t understand me when I talk, I’ll try tone it doon a bit fur ye”, says the dwarf. “Where are you from?”, asks Roy. The dwarf takes a seat on the steps, one foot resting on the step above the other, and to the shock of Roy and Ricki, his cock and balls are just hanging out there for everyone to see! “Man, you need to put those things away, you could get lifted by the cops if they see that”, declares Ricki. “Sorry lads, keep forgetting I’m no at hame” says the dwarf. “Anyway, I’m from bonnie Scotland, ye ever been? Course you’ve fuckin’ no, most Americans think it’s all hills and sheep’s country with the odd distillery dotted around the place” says the dwarf. “I’ll tell you why I’m here, you might no believe me, but I can assure ye, everything that I’m about to tell you is true. Can we go somewhere else? It’s Baltic oot here!”
The three men find themselves in Roy’s one bedroom apartment, each sitting with a cold can of Bud Light. “This beer tastes like cat piss!” the dwarf said, “have ye not got anything worth drinking?”. At that request, Roy finds a bottle of Jack Daniels bourbon, which he hands to the dwarf, “this better?”, “Aye, I suppose it is, cheers”, says the dwarf. “So as I was saying earlier, I’m here for a reason, and as odd as the reason might sound, it’s the fucking truth”. Roy and Ricki are sitting on the edge of the sofa eager to hear what the dwarf has to say. “My names Peter Genie, also known as ‘Pete the Genie’, but you can call me Pete, I probably should of started with that, but anyway. I have a purpose and a curse. For every time there is a mass killing on the planet, I am summoned to that area and whoever stumbles across me, is granted three wishes. The rules are simple;
- You can’t wish for anymore wishes, three is enough.
- I won’t and can’t influence your wish or wishes.
- You have to start your wish by saying ‘I wish’.
- No refunds.
- And, well, that’s it really.
“The problem you pair have, is that there is two of you, and three wishes, so you’ll have to decide who gets the extra wish, or at least come to a collective decision on what your final wish is going to be”.
Roy and Ricki are just sitting on the edge of their seat, absolutely stunned by what they’ve just heard. “So, let me get this straight, I just say those two words followed by what I want, and boof it just appears?”, quizzes Ricki. “Well done, you’ve grasped the rules of my powers”, says Pete patronisingly. “Right, okay, I have a wish for you, see if you can deliver on your word, I wish for a fine ass bitch to be suckin’ on my dick whenever I click my fingers”, said Ricki, and just as Ricki described, BOOF, the most beautiful woman Ricki had ever seen appeared right in front of him, Roy and Ricki’s jaw almost hit the floor.
So, Ricki tested his wish and clicked his fingers, the woman knelt down in front of him, unfastened his belt, unbuttoned his pants and pulled out his cock, and just started sucking away. Ricki was almost in a state of ecstasy, the lights were on but he definitely wasn’t home. Roy could not believe this was happening, he could have anything he wanted. Without a moment’s hesitation Roy stutters and blurts out, “I-I-I-I wish I get the third wish all to myself!”, BOOF, nothing but a puff of smoke came from Pete’s fingers, “Done”, Pete said. “Wait, what?!?”, shouted Ricki, frantically clicking his fingers so the woman would stop sucking. “Why would you wish for that man? That’s a waste of a fuckin’ wish you idiot!”, Ricki is furious.
Ricki left Roy’s apartment with his new found sex toy. Roy and Pete are sitting having some more drinks on Roy’s sofa while listening to some Tupac. “So, have you thought about what you want your final wish to be?”, asks Pete. “I have loads of ideas man, but I can’t make my mind up, I don’t want it to be all for nothin’ man”, replies Roy. “Listen, just make your wish, you might not believe it, but when you’re done with your wishes, I get to return home to my wee family and I’ll get some time aff, until some other dafty causes more mayhem”, says Pete. “Okay, okay, I think I have made my mind up” Roy says, and after a minutes silence Roy makes his final wish, “I wish Tupac was still alive”. Pete looks at Roy as if he is a complete imbecile and says, “but Tupac isny deid, he’s livin’ on the Virgin islands, make another wish”. Roy staring right at Pete with wide eyes says, “You can’t be serious? He’s actually fuckin’ alive? This is insane, this is huge! How does no-one know this?”. Pete puts his head in his hands in frustration, he just wants this idiot to make another wish. “People know he is still alive, christ, I know he’s still alive, just make your final wish fuck sake”. Roy ponders on that for a moment, “right, here goes, I wish I lived on the Virgin Islands with Tupac and we were best friends”, wishes Roy. BOOF.
Roy woke up and found himself in a different bedroom from his own. The room was pure white, the floor was made up of marble tiles, the walls were decorated with awards and mirrors. He climbs out of bed and opens the curtains, his wish has partly came true, he is definitely looking at the Caribbean Sea. He rushes to the door and through the maze of the house to find the second part of his wish when he reaches the kitchen and cannot believe it, Tupac is in the kitchen cooking breakfast. “Yo Roy, how is it hanging my man?” asks Tupac. Roy faints and smashes his head off the marble floor and knocks himself unconscious.
Back in Scotland, Pete arrives home to his family and embraces his wife with a warm cuddle. “Hi Trish, did you miss me?”, Pete asks, “of course I dad ya fanny. How was your trip?”, asks Trish. Pete tells his wife about his trip while cooking the tea, Haggis, neeps and tatties, when he over hears a breaking news story in the background,
“Man found dead in a villa on the Virgin Islands earlier today, the man is believed to be Leroy Banks of Brooklyn New York, the death is being treated and suspicious, more to follow.”
“Fuckin’ hell, that’s wan ae the boays I granted the wish fur, fuck sake, I ken Tupac rapped aboot killin’ folk, I didny hink any o it wis actually true”, Pete said, “Whit? Tupac’s alive?”, Trish asks, “aw fur fuck sake, no you tae!”.
Allan's Short Stories 