Almost two thousand years ago in the skies above where Glasgow lies today.
“Jesus Christ, Morag, the boy has only went and fooled them again!”, shouts Hamish to his wife Morag, “these eejits genuinely hink that he’s turned water tae wine!”, says Hamish.
Morag makes her way through to the room in their modest home, to have a look at the viewing pool they have. Only the Scottish Gods have such a thing in their home, as they were the only ones smart enough to invent such a luxury.
“Rewind that back a bit so I can see what he did”, asks Morag. Hamish waved his large shovel like hand in a waving gesture to the left and the viewing pool shot back exactly to the point when Jesus started his trick.
“Oh, not a chance huv they fell for that, who would be daft enough”, Morag breaks into a fit of hysterics as Jesus Christ has tricked a crowd of people into thinking that he could turn water into wine. “ Honestly, these cunts wid believe anything, but I must admit, I wonder what the next trick these charlatans will come up with next”, says Morag.
Hamish gets up off the seat they had made out of a monstrous highland cow to pick up his telephone to call his brother Douglas.
“Dougie! Did ye see what that wee prick Jesus is up tae noo?”, Hamish asks his older brother.
“I know, I canny believe they lapped that trick right up!”, responds Douglas, “Someone needs to step in and have a word.”
“It’s hard getting’ a hold of them across the water, they seem reluctant tae accept our technology. The last letter I had fae that wee Hermes cunt came fae Zeus, he was sayin’ that technology will only distract us from enjoyin’ life, guy is a literal rocket”, says Hamish.
Hamish and Douglas continued to discuss why the gods across the water didn’t want to incorporate their technology, and why they wouldn’t step in on the lad Jesus Christ’s antics – the Scottish Gods had no jurisdiction in those lands, but grew increasingly frustrated at the Greek gods for not stepping in.
Jesus Christ’s mum had an affair on her partner Joseph, but made a mockery of the World Gods by saying that she was consummated by “God” himself – there is no “God” as such, but a world of gods who over-see each region. The gods who oversee Jerusalem didn’t act upon her lie, and kept the charade up. The gods of Israel done nothing, but what was worse was the fact that Joseph believed Mary, and profited from calling his wife “the virgin Mary” and that she gave birth to “Jesus Christ the lord and saviour”. But no one stepped in to stop the lie, and as a result the religion Christianity was born.
* * *
Later that week, on a Thursday, Hamish and Morag had made arrangements with the Norse Gods to eat and drink their weight in ale and whiskey – real whiskey. There were no rules about drinking and riding, even though some accidents have caused natural disasters down on the ground where the humans live, and the humans will call such disasters “acts of god” – which wasn’t completely untrue.
Hamish loaded some whiskey barrels onto his unicorn’s cart, and he patted his dear friend just above the nose, “some day Betty, I’ll make sure you are Scotland’s national animal”. They made their way North to the Norse lands to meet their dear friends, Thor and Sif.
“I hope Thor doesn’t start braggin’ about this day of the week being named after him”, said Morag.
“It wouldn’t matter what day of the week it was Mo, Thor will always brag about something”, said Hamish laughing.
Allan's Short Stories 